The Cletus Chronicles
by Meikela
Summary: A series of Cletus POV outtakes from my story, Southern Charm. Yes - Cletus is a cat. : Rated M because apparently Cletus has some language issues.
1. Home

**A/N: For the Cletus lover's out there. If you aren't a fan of my boy Cletus, you can skip this Outtake. **

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Chapter 1 – Home

_**01/09/2010, 10:00 – CletPOV**_

I was tucked up against some apartment building, trying to figure out where to scrounge my next meal, when I first saw him. He looked tired, like me. I had been out here for a couple of months now, trying to make my way, but winters weren't good for hunting. Even the mice knew better than to come out of their nests when it was this cold. I had grown out my coat, which was pretty fly if I say so myself, but that cold wind seemed to find its way straight to my bones. It wasn't so bad at the moment, here behind the bushes, but soon I'd need to venture out to find some grub. My last meal was a day or two ago and I was hungry. I hadn't resorted to begging humans yet, like I'd seen the grey and white fool down the street do, but it was getting close. My tummy was rumbling something fierce.

He walked by, his arms loaded up with stuff and I swallowed my pride and thought, "_What the hell, I'll just try it and see what happens." _I broke out my most pitiful meow and waited to see if it would garner any results. Just like I thought, he kept going right on by. Maybe one more try? I cried out again and lo and behold, he was back! Now I had a decision to make, do I trust him or not? He knelt down in the front of me and called me to him. He had the sweetest voice and I just wanted to run right over to him, but my momma didn't raise no fool. I made my way out from behind the bushes slowly, watching him closely for any sign that he was going to do me harm. Looking into his eyes, I saw the pity there and as much as I hated that I had become a sight to be pitied, I decided to take a chance. I closed the distance between us and put all my cards on the table, pushing my head directly into the hand he was holding out to me. The next thing I knew, I was in total bliss – his long fingers were scratching right behind my ears and it felt soooo good.

"Hey you, what are you doing out here? Do you belong to someone?" he asked. Okay – I know these human things were _supposed_ to be smarter than us, but did he really think with the vocal cords I was given I could give an answer he'd understand? I tried to convey my answer through my eyes and when that didn't work, I meowed again. Hopefully he'd get the point. He continued to pet me for a moment and then took his hand back and started to shift his stuff around. Next thing I knew, I was up in the air but tucked in close to a very warm body. He walked over to the entrance of the building and just stood there for a moment. Looking around, I wondered what the holdup was and where he was taking me - but if it was inside, that worked for me. It had to be warmer in there than out here. I finally figured out that he couldn't open the door because he had his hands full. I was about to jump down when an older human appeared and let us in. He asked the old man if he knew who I was and after finding out that I had no one, he muttered to me, "Guess it's just you and me."

We climbed some stairs and then stopped at another door. He was smarter this time and put me down while he unlocked it. As soon as it opened, I scampered inside. Ahhh – it was so nice and warm in here. I heard the man say, "Make yourself at home," and I figured what the hell, might as well take advantage of my good fortune while it lasted. I sniffed the air and traced the lingering scent of something tasty to a room just down the hall. The strongest smell seemed to originate from a rather large silver thing so I plopped myself down right in front of it with the hope that it would dispense some tasty treats. The man chuckled and then said, "I guess you have your priorities, huh?" If I could have rolled my eyes, I would have. _"__Just get to it already – open this thing up so I can find out what smells so good in there!"_

He must be a mind reader, because he immediately opened the big silver box and I was overwhelmed – so many yummy scents at once! Within minutes, he'd put a bowl of milk in front of me along with a paper plate full of some sort of meat. I tucked in right away, not knowing if this was my last meal or not. All too soon it was gone and I looked up at him hopefully to see if he would open the big silver box of goodness again. It was like magic – the next thing I knew out came some more stuff! Sniffing at it cautiously, I realized it smelled like the grub I got from the dumpster at the Chinese place down the street a few days ago. I ate it all, even though I was pretty full. I was just about to go take a nap when I found myself airborne again and up on the black counters.

"Time to clean you up a bit," he said and turned some sort of knob. Water came pouring out of the tube thingy and I watched as he placed some sort of cloth under the water and wrung it out. Of course, then it all went to hell as the human decided to put this wet thing on my body. Was he insane? Hadn't anyone told him that we don't like water? Plus, after the nap I had planned on a giving myself a bath, I just hadn't gotten that far. Then he asked the dumbest question yet, "So, are you a boy or a girl?"

_"Umm, hello? I have balls! Pretty big ones too, buddy." _Within seconds, I found myself facing away from him and he was lifting my tail to take a look for himself. _"__Geez! What kind of place was this?"_

"Apparently, a Mister," he mumbled. I wasn't taking any chances that he was going to invade my privacy again and got the hell out of there. Maybe I could find a nice quiet corner to hide and take my much overdue nap. As I regretfully left the room with the magic silver box of goodness, I heard him yell out, "Don't get too comfortable. You can't stay."

Ha! Apparently he wasn't aware of the cardinal rule of my kind – once you feed us, we're yours. I wasn't going anywhere; especially now that I had found the magic silver box of goodness. He was stuck with me for good. I roamed around my new home, trying to figure out where everything was and the best place for napping. I heard him doing stuff in the next room, but was too chicken shit to go in there when he was making so much noise. After a while, it quieted down and I poked my head around the corner to investigate.

He was lying on a big box that looked soft and warm. I inched closer to it and then popped my head over the side to get a better look. He looked like he was napping – his eyes were closed and his breathing was starting to even out. I wondered if he dreamt about mice and birds like I did. It looked so warm up there that I couldn't resist. I jumped up and pushed my head against his to see if he was truly out or just cat napping (ha ha), like I did sometimes when the sun was shining. Unfortunately, he wasn't asleep yet and one eye opened to look at me. I thought for a moment I was a goner for sure, but then he said the best words I'd ever heard, "Fine, you can stay." I decided then and there that the best place to nap was going to be right by his side. I curled up next to him – he was so nice and warm – and hoped like hell he wouldn't notice I was starting to get gassy from the milk. I felt myself begin to drift off and as my body relaxed, full for the first time in weeks, I realized with glee that I'd finally found a home.


	2. Say What?

**A/N: I asked y'all what outtakes you wanted, and all I hear is Cletus, Cletus, Cletus. LMAO. I love the little bugger too - especially since I have a Cletus of my own. A few of you requested to know Cletus' reaction to his name. Ask and you shall receive...oh, and a slight warning, apparently Cletus has a bit of a potty mouth. This outtake is from Chapter 7 - Transient Paresthesia - enjoy!**

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Chapter 2 – Say What?

_**01/09/2010, 16:20 – CletPOV**_

Other than the fact that I was rudely awakened from the best slumber I'd had in weeks, day one of living with the human was working out so far. He had some strange habits though. He was a restless sleeper and moved around a lot, often mumbling the name Jasper in his sleep. Then, after he woke up he fell to the floor and just sat there in a daze until I went over to snap him out of it by knocking my head into his arm. He seemed to appreciate it; I got a few moments of blissful scratches behind my ears before he headed off to another room. When I followed him into the other area, he turned on some machine that made water come from high up on the wall and actually got inside of it! _Insanity…_

Once he was freed from the water machine, I decided I would observe him closely to see what other odd quirks he had. At one point he put this crazy white foam on his face and then started scraping it away with a metal tool that made a weird scratching noise. Finished, he splashed some smelly kind of water on his cheeks and walked back into the room where we'd napped earlier. He wandered around for a few minutes, putting on clothes and then sitting down to put stuff on his feet. _Was he leaving?_ _He wouldn't just leave me here, would he? At least open the magic silver box of goodness one more time before you go!_

I produced my most pitiful meow and was surprised when he answered, "What can I do for you? I'm going to go grab you some food and stuff and I'll bring it back before I leave for work." Those long fingers were back and scratching behind my ears again. This was complete and utter bliss and I couldn't stop myself from rubbing against those talented hands and purring in pleasure. _So good! _He stopped too soon and after gathering some junk from on top of the wooden thing by the door, he walked out of the house.

I roamed around for a bit, hoping and praying that he would return. I went from window to window, door to door to see if there was a way out of this place in case he didn't come back. Realizing that I was trapped, I decided that I would just go back to the place I was most comfortable and curled up on the warm spot my human had left behind on the big white box.

Moments or hours later, I'm wasn't quite certain as I'd fallen fast asleep, I heard a door opening and the smell of my human mixed with what I could only describe as ambrosia wafted in. Following my nose, I wandered out to see just what he'd brought me. He had a bunch of plastic bags and began unloading them in various places. First he put two bowls down on the floor near the magic silver box of goodness or MSBG for short. I watched hopefully to see if he'd open it up again, but he just filled one bowl with water and another from a bag that he'd brought with him. He grabbed another bag and a box and walked out to a small room off to the side and set up a box with sand in it. Once he was done, we went back to the room with the MSBG. "Okay buddy, here's the food and water. Your litter box is in the laundry room – use it please," he said and then began unpacking the delicious smelling bag on the counter. I sniffed at the bowls on the floor – _meh, __not bad_ – but it didn't smell half as good as what he was eating. I decided that his grub was definitely better than mine and jumped up to see what I could nick. He wouldn't share though, even when I broke out my most sad meow and gave him the look. "Forget it, Cletus. Your food is down there," he replied and pointed down to the bowls on the floor.

_Okay – hold the phone. Did he just call me Cletus? What the fuck kind of name was that? My name is not Cletus – its Raoul. At least, that's what the hot mamas on the corner called me when I walked by the other day. "Rawr-ool," they yelled as I pranced past them on my way to the dumpster behind the Chinese restaurant. "Rawr-ool," they purred as I returned later. How the hell did he come up with Cletus? _I was just about to give him a lecture on what my name really was when he opened up a package and pulled out some weird smelling purple thing. He grabbed me and tried to wrap it around my neck. _Oh God! What kind of torture den was this? _To my horror_, _I realized that it was a collar – I'd seen this contraption on housecats in the neighborhood – you know the type – fat and lazy, spoiled as all get out. Now I was pissed.

_I'm not a frickin' submissive, buddy. If anyone here should be wearing a collar, it's you. I'm the dominant one here! _I put up a good fight, even got a few good scratches in, but he was too strong and the next thing I knew, I was collared. _Fuck it; if I have to put up with this shit, I'm eating some of his grub. _I snagged one of the ambrosia sticks out of the red box and stalked out of the room, stopping momentarily to throw a disgusted look at my human before I found a place to contemplate how to train him to my specifications.

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**A/N: As always, I appreciate your feedback or suggestions for future outtakes. :-) See you on Sunday!**


	3. First Encounter with the Devil

**A/N: Because I feel so guilty for leaving you with an evil cliffie, I bring you another outtake from Cletus' POV. Hopefully it will help you pass the time until Sunday :)**

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Chapter 3 – First Encounter with the Devil

_**01/12/2010, 10:20 – CletPOV**_

Over the past three days I had implemented 'How to Serve Cletus' training with my human, and what a quick learner he turned out to be. By day two I had acquired a cat palace, a box of sand that cleaned itself (a little scary at first, but well worth the risk), a new bed, and a plethora of entertainment options. The palace was amazing – it had multiple stories and ledges for naps. Edward (apparently that is what my human is called), placed my new estate directly in front of a large window, providing optimal viewing of the goings on outside. Unfortunately, I didn't catch on to the fact that it was indeed a window right away. A failed attempt to launch myself at a squirrel chomping on an acorn in the tree outside proved that glass was not a permeable substance. Thankfully, Edward wasn't here to see my disastrous attempt. I'm sure it would have provided much amusement for him – all I got out of it was a headache.

Our training sessions typically took place after Edward completed his tour of the water machine, while he scraped the white foam off of his face and rubbed his teeth with some brush looking thing. During these moments, I told him all about what I still needed and exactly what I planned to do for the rest of the day. I also informed him of my favorite foods, the best types of fabrics to nap on, and tried to get him to see that I needed a companion for when he was gone. Not that I didn't have plenty to do, but it would be nice to have some company. He was gone an awful lot and truth be told, I actually missed the bugger when he was away. I had even taken to meeting him at the door when I heard him coming up the stairs.

This morning we were out of our usual routine and I was trying to figure out why. Normally, we'd be sleeping at this time of day and Edward wouldn't be in the box that spit water from the wall until after the sun had moved away from my palace. The times when the sun shined on my palace were some of the best ever. I stretched out across the ledge on the fourth floor and soaked in the heat. Bliss I tell you, bliss – but I digress. I wanted to know why he was screwing up the routine I had for him and asked him all about it while he scraped that white crap off of his face. "Today we are going to the vet," he replied to my latest inquiry and I wondered what the hell that was. I'd never heard that term before and wondered if it was some sort of playground for cats. That was probably it, but maybe he was finally going to heed my advice and get me a friend, preferably a nice female friend. Now_** that**_ I wouldn't mind at all.

I followed him around as he put clothes on and gathered up his things like he usually did when he was about to bail on me. This time, though, he opened a door in the hallway and pulled out a plush looking bag. "Come on, Cletus," he said and I strolled over to see what else he'd brought me. Within seconds, I was snatched from my position on the floor by his feet and unceremoniously stuffed into the dark bag. I howled out my displeasure, but he wouldn't take me out. He just told me that this was the only way I could get to the vet. I was nervous, but settled down and kept quiet, not wanting to do anything that would keep him from taking me to the cat playground or to the place where we could pick up chicks. _He could totally be my wingman! _I gathered my courage as he slung the device (with me in it) over his shoulder and walked out the door.

Moments later we were outside and I had forgotten how cold it was out here. I burrowed into the plush fabric that lined the bag and watched cautiously as we approached another building. He hit some gadget and the big door in front opened. Next thing I knew I was being placed in the back of some silver contraption (the very type of thing my mom said to stay far away from) and we were suddenly moving without walking. I started to meow as my stomach grew queasy and took comfort from Edward's reassurances that we were almost there. _This vet place better be worth this scary ride._ Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, we stopped and Edward opened the door and pulled me out of the back of the silver contraption. "That wasn't so bad, was it?" he said in that sickening voice he used when he was about to make my life hell. _Uh-oh, maybe I had the wrong idea about this place he was taking me to. What if it was just another word for the pound? _Back when I was out on the streets I'd heard horror stories about the pound. _Edward wouldn't bring me the palace and the self-cleaning sand box and then get rid of me, would he?_

Looking through the meshed window at the front of the bag, I saw another building and started to pick up strange smells. I could almost smell some of my kind, but there was another more overpowering smell that hurt my nose. It was sickeningly sweet and bitter at the same time. I was getting scared now and felt the hairs on my back raise in preparation for what was to come. We walked through the door and up to a lady standing at the counter. After Edward spoke to her for a few minutes, we went to sit down and he put me on the floor. I looked through the meshed window and realized there were a couple more bags and humans sitting with us. Across from me was an old grey tabby that looked like he'd been around the block a time or two. _Surely he would know what kind of place this was?_

"What's your name?" I asked, figuring if I was polite, he'd be more willing to fill me in.

"Opie," he replied. "What about you?"

"Well, he calls me Cletus, by my name is really Raoul," I responded.

"Yeah, they do that sometimes," he replied with a nod. "So what are you having done today?"

"Ummm, I don't know. I've never been here before. I was kinda hoping you could tell me what this place was?" I asked tentatively.

"Hell, that's what this place is, hell I tell you," yelled the female in the bag to my left. I couldn't see her through the meshed window of my bag, but I could smell her and damn did she smell good. So good that she almost distracted me from the meaning of her words. _Hell? I thought I was going to the cat playground!_

"Hell? But…I thought I was going somewhere fun…" I stuttered.

"I hate to tell ya kid, but this is not the pleasure dome. No fun here. A lot of uncomfortable poking and prodding, but hey, if that's what turns you on…" he smirked. "Just watch out for Dr. Handsy in there," Opie warned. "He has a tendency to put his hands in places that should be reserved for your missus – or mister, if you're Lucy over there," the wise old tabby said, nodding his head towards the female on my left.

_Oh God, what sort of place had Edward brought me to? _I was just about to tell him that I wanted to go home when the lady he spoke to earlier called his name. He lifted me from the floor and walked towards the back of the building.

"It'll be okay, kid," Opie reassured.

"He's full of shit," Lucy countered. "Run like hell the first chance you get," she advised.

Their voices faded as we followed the lady through another set of doors and I curled myself into a ball, shivering in terror at the thought of what was to come. We entered a room with a big silver table and when the door closed, Edward opened up the bag and pulled me out, placing me on the cold silver table. The lady came over and grabbed me by the scruff, telling Edward she was going to weigh me. She put me on some weird basket thing and let me go. Taking Lucy's advice, I tried to make a dash for it, but she was too quick for me. "5 pounds, 3 ounces," she told Edward. "Do you want me to clip his claws for you while I'm here?" she asked.

_Don't do it Edward! Don't take away my only defense from these crazy people._ I hoped he would have my back, but he responded to her in the affirmative and next thing I knew she was wielding some silver device and chopping off my claws. I growled out my frustration at Edward for letting this happen, but he just ignored me and patted me on the head condescendingly. _I'm so going to piss in his shoes for this._

The evil lady finally left us alone and I tried desperately to talk some sense into Edward. He attempted to calm me down by running his hands down my back, but I was having none of it. A few minutes later, a man wearing a white coat walked into the room and introduced himself to Edward. First he checked my teeth and gums, declaring that I was just under four months old. Then he poked around my fur, looking for fleas apparently. What an idiot, I hadn't had fleas since it got so cold out. I felt his hand begin to lift up my tail and I growled loudly in warning. _Oh hell no! Get your filthy hands away from my package!_

"It'll be okay, Cletus," Edward crooned. _Yeah, right, asshole. _

The man stepped away to grab a few things and returned. He directed Edward to hold me by the scruff – which I hated because I couldn't move at all – and then, much to my horror, stuck something in a place where no one gave him permission to go. "Well, his temperature is normal, his teeth, gums, and eyes look good, and his nose is dry," he noted to Edward. "I need to draw some blood and run a few tests to make sure he doesn't have Feline Leukemia or Feline AIDS. I'll also need to give him his first set of shots since you picked him up as a stray. He's almost old enough to be neutered, but let me check his testicles to be sure."

Then the real fun started. Dr. Handsy was appropriately named because not 5 minutes after meeting this guy he was feeling me up. _Ummm, dude, I haven't used those for fun yet – be careful with the merchandise! _Edward did nothing to stop him, but loosened his hold slightly – enough for me to shake my head free and turn to give Mr. Handsy the loudest hiss I'd ever produced. And what did Mr. Handsy do? He laughed. "Not to happy with me, are you?" he chuckled.

_Mother fucker! I'll show you happy…_ I went to sink my teeth into Dr. Handsy but Edward grabbed me before I got the chance. I growled my displeasure at my human and bristled. _How much longer must I endure this torture?_ Edward had me securely by the scruff again and held me down while Dr. Handsy completed his violation of my private parts, declaring them not quite ready for removal. _Oh God, Oh God, Oh God – they were going to take my balls? Edward had brought me to Satan. Fucking traitor! _I was so focused on the fact that they wanted to de-man me that I hardly noticed the jabbing sensations in my hind end.

Finally, the torture ended and I was left stunned. I couldn't believe that Edward would do this to me. I had trusted him and this was my reward. I'd better be getting one hell of a treat for putting up with this shit. I was returned to my bag, which hopefully meant we'd soon be leaving this den of evil. Dr. Handsy and Edward talked for a few minutes and then we were off. We stopped at the front and I looked around. Opie had disappeared, but Lucy was still there.

"Told you to run, didn't I?" she said with a knowing look. She was quite beautiful and I gave her my most seductive look. She wasn't buying though and I understood – it was hard to think of good times when waiting for Dr. Handsy. I didn't bother to reply. I was so overwhelmed by what I'd just been through that I didn't have the words.

The lady at the front counter handed Edward an appointment card and said, "We'll see you back here on February 2nd so Cletus can be neutered. I have your cell phone on file, so we'll text you a reminder the day before." She leaned down to peer in the bag and called to me in a baby voice, "See you next time Cletus."

_Next time? Not happening, lady. I'm not coming back to this hell hole. _When we got home, my human and I were going to have a long discussion. Operation Save Cletus' Balls was in full effect.


	4. Retreat

**A/N: I was having a bit of Cletus withdrawal so here's another outtake for your reading pleasure. Voting is still open on the outtake you'd most like to read. Visit my profile page to add your two cents...**

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Chapter 4 – Retreat

_**01/12/2010, 18:32 – CletPOV**_

Once we returned from hell, I laid low for a while in my palace. No sense in stirring up trouble and I needed time to regroup. I couldn't believe Edward threw me to the wolves like that. At least give a cat some warning. He came to check in on me a few times but I was still pissed and let him know it. He tried to make nice with a treat or two, but this couldn't be resolved with bribery. The only thing that would make this better would be a promise that my balls would remain intact.

I was just about to begin strategizing ways to implement 'Operation Save Cletus' Balls' when I heard someone banging on the front door to our house. _Holy shit! Please tell me that Dr. Handsy doesn't make house calls! _When this noise occurred in the past, I'd gone out to investigate the interloper. This time I wasn't moving an inch. If by some chance Dr. Handsy had returned, I sure as hell wasn't going out there to greet him with a smile on my face. They'd have to pull me out of here kicking and screaming. I refused to go down without a fight.

I heard a strange male voice and couldn't be sure if it was the devil or not. It didn't sound familiar, but I was so stressed earlier that I really couldn't be sure. Edward seemed to be greeting him jovially, but then I couldn't trust Edward as far as I could throw him. I sighed sadly and placed my head between my front paws. It had all been going so well until this morning. My human was learning how to serve me at a rapid pace. He let me snuggle up with him and didn't yell too loud when I stole bits of the good food from his plate. In the blink of an eye it had all turned into a nightmare. I pointed my ears forward to hone in on the sounds coming from the next room. They were moving around and I heard the door to the magic silver box of goodness open, but I wasn't going to be tempted. It was probably a ploy to get me out of my fortress of solitude.

I remained in seclusion and after a while realized that the intruder must not be Dr. Handsy. I'm sure if he'd arrived, they would have been in here within moments to torture me further. I still heard the soft murmur of Edward and the stranger's voices from the other room as well as the sounds of the TV, the baby crying upstairs, the old man snoring across the hall, the fucking dog in the house below us, and what I think might be two humans mating next door. If they were doing what I think they were doing, he'd better hide his balls too - just in case. God knows when Dr. Handsy might appear.

I listened as someone began climbing the stairs to our floor. Their footsteps grew closer and then stopped at our door. The knocking started again and I ducked into the darkest corner of my palace. _Fuck, were they just waiting for reinforcements?_ It was Edward's footsteps that went to answer the door and as soon as it opened, a wave of the most heavenly scent on earth wafted into our house. I cautiously moved forward towards the entrance of my palace and sniffed. Whatever it was it was fucking amazing. _Get a hold on yourself, man. It could be a way to trap you!_ A low rumbling noise emitted from my stomach and I realized that I hadn't eaten since we'd arrived home this morning. Edward had filled my food bowl, but I had been paranoid and avoided it like the plague. The smell emanating from the other room was too much for me to take and as if on autopilot, I began to make my way down the hall.

I edged down the corridor cautiously; inhaling the pleasant aroma of something that I was positive would be tasty. I sniffed the air to catch the scent of the stranger as well. He smelled a bit like Edward and I wondered if maybe they were litter mates? Peering quickly into the room before I entered, I verified that the stranger was not Dr. Handsy and then made my way in. My stomach rumbled again and I took a few deep sniffs of the food that was in the box on the table. The stranger was stuffing his face with a concoction of cheese, meat and bread. I felt the saliva begin to pool in my mouth in anticipation of the meal to come. Surely my human wouldn't deny me this after the day I'd had?

As I walked closer to the two men on the sofa, I heard the stranger ask what I was. _This one's a real genius_, I thought to myself. My human introduced me as Cletus – again. I sighed internally. I was going to be stuck with this fucking name for the rest of my life. I listened and found out that the stranger's name was Carlisle. He seemed nice though, even if he didn't know what a cat was and had a funny name. Watching closely for any sudden moments, I sidled up to them and sat down, looking up with my best 'feed me' expression to see who would break first.

Unbelievably, Carlisle took pity on me and began sharing his feast. With each bite he took he'd drop a bit of meat or cheese to the floor for me to enjoy. _I loved this man! He could definitely teach Edward a thing or two and this guy didn't even know what the fuck I was! _I sat there faithfully until the banquet ended and then, like Carlisle, stretched and relaxed. I eavesdropped on their conversation for a while, but thankfully it appeared as if Edward had forgotten all about my impending castration. Hoping that I was safe for the moment, I rolled onto my back and stretched my paws above my head. Ahhhh – now this was the life. There was nothing better than a full belly, good companionship, and a warm home. Within moments, the stress of the day caught up with me and I started to drift off. I couldn't fight it any longer, but promised myself that in the morning, Edward and I would have a serious conversation.


	5. The Battle Begins

**A/N: For Amy, who needs some cheering up I think. Feel better soon!**

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Chapter 5 – The Battle Begins

_**01/30/2010, 05:45 – CletPOV**_

Edward was out, as he was quite often lately. Left to my own devices, I'd taken to roaming my domain, checking to make sure all was in order and that my food bowl wasn't empty. This morning was no different and I rounded the corner and entered the room at the furthest end of my territory. Within seconds, I caught a whiff of something that sent my whole system into overdrive.

I paced along the wall, trying to figure out if what I was feeling meant what I thought it did. Taking a risk, I howled out a greeting and heard a weak reply. I knew it! For the next thirty minutes or so, we called to each other – the longing clear in each other's voices. I grew desperate and my cries grew plaintive. I scratched at the wall, needing to find a way to her. Just when I thought I'd go insane, a banging noise came from the other side of the wall and a human voice screamed, "Shut the fuck up already or I'm going to shut you up."

Jesus. People have no manners nowadays. Couldn't they tell they were standing in the way of true love? I hoped my girl was okay, stuck in there with that monster. My Edward would never do anything like that. I let out another howl, but my only response was another banging noise. She'd left. I waited a few moments to be sure she wasn't returning, then gave up and headed into the main living area.

My body was thrumming with energy and some unidentifiable yearning that I'd never experienced before. I jumped up on what Edward called the sofa and curled up next to a pillow. Trying to calm myself, I began kneading the soft cushion. I began to daydream about what could have happened if only I'd been able to find my way over to the sexy senorita next door. I may have gotten a wee bit carried away, because next thing I know Edward is standing over me and giving me the look – the Cletus has done wrong look. And just when I was almost there – fucking cockblocker. "Bad Cletus," he yelled, grabbing the pillow and walking off to my room. I trailed behind him cautiously, hopeful that he'd leave the pillow in my basket so I could take up where I left off, but he just removed the cover and put it in the big whirring machine. Asshole.

_**02/01/2010, 11:15 – CletPOV**_

Edward wasn't being himself. He'd come home and disappeared into his room. He didn't even stop to greet or feed me and I knew then that something was terribly wrong. I decided to give him some space – after all the sun was just about to hit my palace and after being on patrol all night, I was ready for a nap. When I woke up hours later, Edward was still holed away in his room and my food bowl was empty. I went to investigate and found my human upset. Attempting to offer some consolation, I curled up next to him and let him soak my fur with his tears. Every once in a while he'd run his fingers through my fur, but for the most part he remained silent and drawn into himself. My tummy was growling, but I didn't think this was the best time to ask for dinner.

_**02/02/2010, 07:15 – CletPOV**_

There was something in the air and it wasn't just my tail. Since my last encounter with Dr. Handsy, I'd become complacent. Especially since Edward had made no further mention of returning to that hell hole. But with Edward's emotional state, I wasn't so sure anymore. Something was very wrong and the only thing I could think of that could make Edward this upset was that he was returning me to hell so they could lop off my package and he was scared to tell me.

He finally dragged himself out of bed and entered the water box. I made a quick trek to the kitchen to double check my food bowl and found it still empty. Deciding that it was time I had a chit chat with my human regarding his gross negligence, I headed back to the bathroom and made my presence known. Edward called out, "Sorry buddy, no food for you today." What the fuck? He was going to starve me to death? I paced the floor waiting for him to exit the box so that we could have our daily conversation. Someone needed to set him straight.

When he exited, I took up my usual position on the counter. I eased my way into the conversation, expressing my concern about his behavior and the consequences that could occur if it should happen again. From there we moved on to the source of my intense paranoia, Dr. Handsy. I went over the reasons why I needed my package intact and confessed to my early morning conversations with the senorita next door. I even went so far as to promise to stop stealing his food. It was all for naught. Edward gave me a smirk and replied, "Not gonna happen buddy. The fate of your balls has already been decided, I'm sad to say." When he added a condescending pat on my head, I could no longer remain in the same room with the bastard. With no other options available, my only alternative was to hide.

I used my paw to open the closet door in the back room and crept into the darkest corner. Maybe if he couldn't locate me, he'd give up and my balls would live to see another day. I kept quiet, hardly daring to breathe when I heard the familiar sound of my kibble being rattled around in its bag. Hallelujah, the man had come to his senses! I rushed out of the closet, down the hall, and into my den. I was excited that he'd relented and in my glee, I lost my footing and slid across the tiles – catching myself at the last minute. I looked up at him hopefully and began to thank him for realizing his mistake. And then – then it happened. My human turned on me.

I was in shock. Before I knew it, Edward bundled me into the bag and we were in the silver contraption, speeding to Satan. I lost it and began to howl my displeasure. If he thought he could do this to me and still expect cuddle time, he was sadly mistaken. As minutes passed with no response from Edward, my anger turned to desperation and I began to plead. My human was coldhearted though and once the silver contraption stopped, he brought me right to the gates of hell and handed me over with a, "I know buddy, it'll be okay."

It'll be okay? What could possibly be okay about having your balls wacked off by some perverted psychopath? I watched Edward walk out the front doors and vowed to get even. I felt the bag I was in lift from the counter and watched fearfully as I was hauled back to the chamber of doom. My handler deposited me with a thud onto a hard surface and then exited the room. I took a moment to regain my composure so that I regroup and strategize. I was just about to develop Plan A when my handler returned, accompanied by the devil himself. I took a deep breath and began an internal pep talk.

_Okay, Cletus, it's now or never. Don't let this mother fucker steal the family jewels. The future of our kind depends upon it. The world would be a far sadder place without a few Cletus Juniors running around. You can do it, you can do it._

As the zipper that kept me trapped in this bag began to separate, I prepared for battle. No way in hell was I going down without a fight. When the bag was completely open, I launched – teeth bared and growling for all I was worth. I had the element of surprise and almost got my jaws clamped around Dr. Handsy's arm when I felt a stabbing pain in my rump. I turned back to see what happened, ready to defend, when things started to get a little fuzzy. Turning back to Satan, I attempted a growl, but it didn't sound right. I tried to lift a paw to get in a swipe, but it felt heavy. I knew then that it was over and as everything faded to black I promised myself that one day, when he least expected it, my human was going to face a day of reckoning.


	6. Invasion

**A/N: Apparently some of you are having Cletus withdrawal. I know the feeling. But I have an amazing opportunity for you! I'm up for sale and if this latest installment of the Cletus Chronicles doesn't satisfy your cravings, you can always bid on me in the Fandom Gives Back auction. I'm offering a 2500-7000 word outtake from Southern Charm, in a POV of your choice. Just think - that POV could be Cletus' if you so desire. For details on how to bid, check out the link on my profile page. All proceeds from the auction go to Alex's Lemonade Stand, a children's cancer research foundation. **

**And now, the chapter some of you have been waiting for, Cletus vs. Jasper, Round 1.**

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Chapter 6 – Invasion

_**04/10/2010, 07:30 – CletPOV**_

Two months. It had been two months since Dr. Handsy stole my manhood and my will to live. Okay, I wasn't suicidal or anything, but it had been damn close there for a bit. The first few days had been torture, as what was left of my package ached like a sore tooth. I was forced to walk with a waddle that my human apparently found funny. Me? Not so much. Once the pain and swelling had gone down, I began to plot my revenge. Edward was going to pay for this, one way or another. Eventually I came to terms with it and determined that I was still the same cat I was before, minus a couple of testicles. Not much else had changed other than the fact that I seem to have lost interest in the sexy senorita next door. I still heard her through the walls on occasion, but now I could take her or leave her.

However, I was bored and I turned to napping as a way to pass the time. Some days, I would try out various activities to see if they worthwhile. For example, just the other day I found that if I whacked my paw against the paper next to Edward's whooshing litter box, it would unwind. I had tons of fun with that until Edward came home and found the paper trail. Let's just say that I won't be doing that again. What I wanted was a companion, a buddy, a partner in crime. It was getting depressing here on my own and I guess when depressed, I eat. Yesterday's go around with my human over the chicken leg a case in point. What else was there to do but eat? I knew I was packing on the pounds, but I didn't care.

Today was a new day though and I was determined to make the best of it. I knew something was up because I'd been hearing noises outside of our door for the past 10 minutes. Edward wasn't home yet and after a scent check, I knew it wasn't him sitting on the other side of the door. Whoever it was, they had some awesome smelling food with them and I hoped that Edward planned to let them in to visit. Twenty minutes later my wish was granted and Edward arrived, trailed by a giant and a female. The female swooped into my territory and began going through my stuff and ordering my human around. Who the hell did this bitch think she was? This was _**my**_ place and that was _**my**_ human. I hated her already.

The giant and Edward seemed to be afraid of her, but I would show her who was boss. I headed out to the foyer to leave a little friendly reminder of whose house this was on her shoes, but was sidetracked by the giant. He was seated on the couch and patted the empty space next to him in invitation. He gave me a conspiratorial wink and then pulled out something yummy from a crumpled up bag. I glanced around to make sure Edward wasn't watching and took the bit of goodness that he offered. It was yeasty and sweet at the same time and I had a feeling that this might be as close to heaven as I was going to get. I finished the first piece and nudged my head against the giant's paw to see if he would be willing to share a little more. To my surprise, he was, and soon we were both happily snacking away. Unfortunately, my human arrived a few minutes later to put an end to the fun. The blond harpy was trailing behind him, barking out orders. Edward sat down next to me and the giant, Edward, and I watched as the harpy paced back and forth in front of us. Jesus. This chick needed someone to remove the stick from her ass in the worst possible way. I could smell the fear emanating from my human and nearly snorted. What a pansy.

I tuned her out for the most part until she said, "And stop feeding that cat donuts – it's going to explode." Cow. First of all, I wasn't an _**it**_. I may have lost my balls, but I still had my dick and that, in my humble opinion, still qualified me for male status. Secondly, I was going to explode all right – all over her pretty looking, red soled shoes. The giant stood and walked towards the kitchen and I was damned if I was going to be stuck in here with her. The only good thing to come from this little scene was that at least now I had a name for the snacks – donuts. I noted that the giant took the donut bag with him and followed him out at a fast clip.

_**04/11/2010, 14:52 – CletPOV**_

Strangers whose smell grew worse as the day wore on had invaded my house. This was the second day in a row that my human had brought new people to my domain and I knew that we were definitely going to have to chat about this infraction later. Not only did they invade, but they started taking my stuff with them. What the hell? I tried to follow a couple of them out to see where they were going with my belongings, but Edward quickly swooped me up and locked me in the laundry room. Normally, I would have been livid, but considering that my most precious possessions were located here (cat palace, bed, food, water, toys, etc.) I figured he was doing me a solid. Besides, the bitch was back and I was in no mood to deal with her today.

Once the coast was clear, Edward opened up the door and let me out so I could survey the damage. Everything was different and I spent some time roaming around trying to figure out what happened. There was all kinds of new stuff everywhere and it all had a distinct scent. It wasn't a bad scent, but I was curious about who it belonged to. I'd smelled it before on some of Edward's clothes when he came home from wherever it was that he went during the day. My radar was on high alert, expecting the person attached to the scent to jump out at me anytime. I searched my territory cautiously, but there was no sign of them. Giving up, I headed to the kitchen. Edward hadn't gotten around to cleaning up after the invaders and I had picked up the distinct odor of pizza.

_**04/15/2010, 10:25 – CletPOV**_

My human was home and it was about time. I was starving to death. There was white space at the bottom of my food bowl and this was never a good thing. When the door opened, I immediately began to ream him for his neglect. I was so focused on getting fed that I didn't realize that he'd brought an extra person with him. Once my bowl was filled, I settled into eat and then hopped up on my cat palace to catch a nap in the morning sun. Just as I was about to drift off, I heard someone enter my room. Who the fuck was this yahoo? I glared at him threateningly and he got the message, because he slowed his roll and approached with caution. He held out his hand towards me and when I took a sniff, it clicked. This was the same smell that was all over the new stuff Edward had brought into our house.

So what did that mean? Was this guy here to stay? I think he was more scared of me than I was of him, because he looked back over his shoulder at Edward before coming closer. I studied my human for a minute and was surprised to see the change in him. He looked, dare I say, happy? Well, well, well. This was new. My human was typically a bit melancholy. The guy came a bit closer and began to trail his fingers through my fur. Wait a minute. This guy was good. He had long fingers and knew just when to scratch and when to pat. Unable to help myself, I rolled over onto my back to facilitate his progress. I could definitely get used to this and purred out my approval. My human ruled. He'd finally brought me a home a friend.

Too soon he stopped and walked out of the room with Edward. I decided to stay put and enjoy the sunshine, since the massage I'd just received had relaxed me completely. I felt the sunlight begin to warm up my still exposed belly and settled in for a nice, long nap. I'd just began to dream about that fucking squirrel that taunted me from the tree outside when I heard the door to the magic silver box of goodness open. Knowing that this was an opportunity not to be wasted, I flipped myself over and dashed into the kitchen to see what I could snag. Unfortunately, I fishtailed on the fucking tile and made a fool of myself in front of my new friend. I quickly righted myself and began my usual task of letting Edward know that I was available for snacks. However, I was ignored in favor of the newcomer and I slunk back to my condo, feeling a bit left out.

I hopped back up to the top level of my cat palace and catalogued this morning's events in my head. First of all, the owner of the scent on all the new stuff was now here and didn't look to be leaving any time soon. Second, he had good hands– really good hands. Third, Edward paid more attention to him than me. A few moments ago I thought that Edward had finally brought me a friend, but now that I thought about it, I realized that he didn't bring this guy for me – he brought him for himself. What did that mean for me? Was I going to be relegated to second best? Was this guy going to win over my human's affections and leave me in the cold? I put my head down on top of my front paws and contemplated the situation at hand. As much work as I had put into Edward, I wasn't about to let some newbie come in and steal him out from under me. If my human thought that I was going to take a backseat to this guy, he had another thing coming.

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**A/N2: As always, your feedback is greatly appreciated. **


	7. WTF?

**A/N: Writng a Cletus outtake is the best version of therapy I know. :) Enjoy...**

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Chapter 7 – WTF?

_**04/15/2010, 14:20 – CletPOV**_

I need a plan, right the fuck now. This was quickly becoming an emergency situation. The blond-haired, long fingered invader was still here. In fact, not only was he still here but he was in my spot. When my human was home and sleeping, I could be found curled up right next to him in that nice warm spot by his chest. Where was I now? At the bottom of the bed staring at the invader's feet.

The feet twitched and brushed against my head. _Jesus Fucking Christ. What had the world come to?_ Training my eyes on his face, I waited for him to ditch the act and show his true colors. I bet he was only pretending to sleep so he could keep my spot.

This morning I attempted to have a chat with my human before he went to sleep. Things seemed almost normal as he drenched himself in the water box and scraped off the fur on his face. He was talking crazy though, telling me that this guy, Jasper, was going to live with us. I tried to protest, but Edward wasn't listening; the sappy grin on his face clueing me into the fact that he was a lost cause. Then, to add insult to injury, when I followed my human out to our bed, the curly haired fuck was already there, in my place. What. The. Fuck.

I sure as hell wasn't going to be edged out of our bed because of this asshole so I took the only space available. Unfortunately, that meant I ended up curled in a ball at the end of the bed. I spent the next hour feeling sorry for myself but I must have fallen asleep. When I woke, I kept my eyes closed, praying to the great cat nip God upstairs that this was all a bad dream. But of course it wasn't. I narrowed my eyes in anger and just as I was about to take a bite out of the toe that was sticking in my face, one of the intruder's eyes popped open.

We stared at each other for a moment then he patted the empty space next to him and I got up, taking the time to stretch out my muscles. If this was going to be rumble, I wanted to be flexible. My tail twitched anxiously as I moved up to sit next to him. I hated that damn thing. Here I was trying to be all calm and collected and it gave me away every fucking time. He reached out towards me and the memory of what those long fingers could do overrode my need to kick his ass. His fingers sunk into my fur and oh God, I was in fucking heaven. I'd never admit this to Edward, but this guy had talent. I was just getting into it when he stopped.

I looked up to find out what interrupted him and found my human pressing his lips against Jasper's neck. Jasper told him to go back to sleep and I thought, _"That's right, go back to sleep so I can kick this guy's ass." _But of course, Edward was a disobedient fucker and refused. The next thing I knew he was petting him and then they started pressing their faces together. Okay, this was getting weird. I decided to move to higher ground.

Jumping off of the bed, I padded over to the dresser and hopped up to the top. I sat down and watched, curious as to exactly what the hell Edward and Jasper were doing. Edward never petted me like _that_ before. Jasper turned so he was facing Edward and then they started pressing their faces together again and making sucking noises. _God almighty, what the hell was this now?_ Soon Jasper was lying on top of Edward and he moaned loudly. _Oh God! Was he hurting him?_ I quickly stood up and readied myself for battle. No way was this fucker going to hurt my Edward. I didn't know exactly what I could do to get Jasper off of my human, but I'd think of something.

Just as I was about to launch myself onto the bed, Edward began kneading Jasper's back as he moved down his body. Okay. Maybe he wasn't hurting him. But what the hell _was_ he doing? The blankets disappeared and then Edward's clothes disappeared. Jasper kept moving until his head was at Edward's waist and then… _Holy shit! Did Jasper just do what I think he did?_ I closed my eyes momentarily, stunned. This was new to me. Why would you let something with teeth anywhere near your package? The moaning grew louder and I froze. I wanted to leave but I couldn't look away. It was like when I'd caught Harry screwing Sally out on the streets a while back. The polite thing to do would be to walk away, but you just couldn't bring yourself to do it.

I turned away for a moment to regain my composure, but my attention was drawn back to the bed when Edward rolled Jasper beneath him and removed his clothes. Edward got out of the bed and walked into the bathroom. Thank God. Maybe they were done with this strange dance now. To my surprise, Edward rushed back into the room holding stuff in his hands. He set a box down on the nightstand and then removed a small package. He tossed the wrapper onto the floor and for a minute I debated going down to fetch it. It could make a good toy. I decided to wait and make sure Edward was okay first.

Edward blocked my view for a bit, but then he sat down on Jasper and … _Oh for the love of God_, _my eyes! Holy shit – they were mating. This was human mating – I think? Get a grip on yourself Cletus. _I winced and closed my eyes. That didn't look like fun at all. Especially since Edward let Jasper into no man's land. _Ouch! _I kept my eyes closed as their moans became louder and they started calling out each other's names. _And they say we caterwaul?_ I snickered internally as their pitch increased and waited for the asshole next door to start pounding on the wall. It would serve them right for making all of this noise.

Eventually they quieted and I risked another peek at the bed. Now they were all curled up around each other and talking softly. Jasper was facing me and I glared at him when he looked over Edward's shoulder. He tried to tell Edward that I was watching them – fucking tattle tale – but my human wasn't listening. Jasper narrowed his eyes at me and I stared him down. He may have won this round, but I hadn't lost the battle yet. I smirked. There was a pair of sneakers in the foyer calling my name.


	8. Exile

**A/N: I've gotten a lot of requests this week for some Cletus. Apparently y'all missed him. Let it not be said that I don't listen to my readers... :)**

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Chapter 8 – Exile

_**04/30/2010, 06:55 – CletPOV**_

The golden haired bastard was up to something. I sat on the back of the couch and watched as he placed my litter box, my food and water bowls and toys in the foyer. When my bed went in the pile next to the door, I had all the confirmation I needed. He was fucking getting rid of me so he could have Edward all to himself. I honestly didn't think he'd have the balls to do it. Sure, I hadn't exactly been cordial in recent days, but he had to have known that there were going to be consequences for locking me out of the bedroom. Besides, it was only a pair of sneakers…and a book. Oh, and some sort of plastic disc. Okay, I might have gone overboard with the hairball on the sweatshirt thing, but honestly, it's not like I planned that one. Fucking fur balls.

He headed to the closet and pulled out the bag Edward used when he took me to Dr. Handsy. Fuck! I was a goner. Vacating the living room at top speed, which wasn't exactly easy now that I'd gained at least five pounds, I headed to the guest room to find a place to hide. If I could evade capture until Edward returned from work, all would be well. There's no way in hell he'd let Jasper send me away. He loved me, despite Mr. Look at Me I'm So Hot and Sexy's talented fingers. Besides, I'd put far too much work into Edward and had no desire to start over with someone new.

As I huddled in the back corner of the closet, I wondered if Edward knew what a two-faced son of bitch his lover was. Just last night this guy shared a bowl of ice cream with me while letting me cuddle with him on the couch. Despite the front I put up when Edward was home, the funny talking curly haired guy had been growing on me. In fact, after last night I'd been ready to call an end to my campaign of terror. See what you get when you drop your guard? Lower the walls and next thing you know you're being shipped off.

I heard someone pounding on the front door. A few seconds later, a loud voice boomed through the house. "You owe me fucker. I don't get up at the ass crack of dawn for just anyone." The voice sounded familiar, but there was no way in hell I was leaving my hidey-hole to investigate. Maybe if I stayed really quiet, they wouldn't be able to find me.

Jasper said something in response, but I couldn't make out the words. Then Mr. Loud said, "So where is he? I thought you said you'd have him in the carrier already?"

"He took one look at it and disappeared," Jasper replied. _That's right asshole. I'm not a fucking idiot. I know what that bag means._

"You go put his stuff in the car and I'll go find him," he directed. The front door opened, then closed. A few minutes later, I heard heavy footsteps making their way towards the guest room.

"Cleeee-tus," he called, making some godforsaken kissy noise. "Come here buddy. It's me, Uncle Emmett."

Who the fuck was Uncle Emmett? I peeked through the slight gap in the closet door and watched as a huge form came into the dark room. He flipped on the light switch and I recognized him at once. It was jelly donut guy! Now this was a conundrum. Did I leave my sanctuary on the off chance that he had more tasty treats or stay put? He knelt on the floor to look under the bed and I saw my chance for freedom. Moving faster than I'd moved in weeks, I darted out of the closet and past him to the door. Unfortunately, I underestimated his reach and overestimated my ability to run. Within seconds it was all over; jelly donut guy had me in his clutches. I knew immediately I wasn't going to be escaping his grasp. Trembling, I began to plead my case. I liked it here and as much as I didn't want to admit it, I loved Edward and knew he would fall apart without me. He needed me.

He began running his massive hand over my fur gently and said, "Aww, it'll be okay buddy. I won't hurt you. You'll like it at my place, I promise." Slowly, he walked back out to the foyer, picked up the carrier and placed it on the table. Distraught, I tried to squirm away, but his grip tightened.

The front door opened and Jasper reentered the apartment. "Good, you found him," he said, moving to hold open the carrier while jelly donut guy pushed me into the dark bag. Jasper closed the zipper, locking me inside. Fuck it. If I was leaving, I was going to give him a piece of my mind. I lunged at the opening, hissing and growling for all that I was worth.

The big guy laughed and said, "Man – he really doesn't like you, does he?"

Jasper leaned down and looked at me, shaking his head. "I don't know what his problem is. We started out okay but lately he's been actin' out. He fuckin' threw up all over my favorite CPD sweatshirt yesterday, Em. I've had that sweatshirt since we started on the force. But, Edward loves him and that's all that matters," he said.

Aha! I fucking knew it. Here he was, acting like _**I**_ was the jealous one when it was him that was jealous. At least I wasn't afraid of a little competition. I was willing to go paw to toe with the fucker, but he decided to take the easy road and get rid of me. Resigned, I sunk down in the bag and contemplated my next course of action. There was no way I was getting out of this bag and I knew it was only a matter of time before the big guy took me and left. My only hope was that when Edward found out what Jasper had done, he'd kick the fucker to the curb and come and get me.

Ten minutes later I was in a car listening to jelly donut man sing off-key and at the top of his lungs. This morning's debacle had worn me out, so I remained relatively quiet, until he tried to hit the high notes. I couldn't help but yowl when he began warble, "And I-eeee-I, will always love you-oooohhh…" He was reaching decibels previously unknown to my kind. Placing my paws over my ears, I tried to block him out, but it was pointless. When he started singing about someone named Jolene taking his man, I'd had enough and told him so in no uncertain terms. Unfortunately, he wasn't versed in my language and just urged me on, saying, "Sing it brother!" Giving up, I hunkered down in the carrier, knowing this had to end at some point.

An interminable amount of time passed as he sang about working nine to five, a coat that apparently had many colors and islands in a stream - which really, how was that even possible? Streams weren't that big – how the hell could they have islands in them? Edward and I watched a nature show all about them a couple of days ago. But I digress. Finally, just as I was about to find a way to fling myself out into oncoming traffic, the car slowed and came to a stop. The music ended and Uncle Emmett said, "We're here, buddy. I'm going to run your stuff in and then come back for you."

As promised, he returned a short time later and carried me inside. Cautious, I sniffed the air, attempting to determine just where I'd ended up. Uncle Emmett unzipped the bag and pulled me out, carrying me in his arms as he took me around his place. "So, bud – I put your stuff in here," he said, showing me a bathroom. "You need to make sure you keep it inside the box or Rosie will kill you," he advised. What? Who the hell was Rosie? Carrying me to the kitchen, he set me on the floor while he filled my food and water dishes.

He walked out of the kitchen and back to the living room, plopping down onto a leather couch. I followed, anxious not to lose contact with the only familiar thing in this strange place. Patting the cushion next to him, he said, "C'mon Cletus, I won't bite, I promise."

My last contact with this man had resulted in jelly donuts. On the off chance he had some more hidden away somewhere; I jumped up and sat next to him. He reached out and grabbed the clicker thing from the table and turned on the TV. "Stay here," he instructed. "I'll be right back."

Glancing around, I tried to take in my new surroundings. This place had a distinctive floral smell, which surprised me. Emmett didn't look like he'd enjoy flower arranging, but you never knew these days. Carrying a huge bowl in his hand, he sat back down on the couch. I watched with interest as he slurped the contents of the bowl down, occasionally dripping what looked to be milk down his chin. I moved closer to see exactly what he was eating. He looked over at me and said, "Captain Crunch – best shit ever, Cletus. Wanna bite?" He held out a spoon filled with milk and some yellow looking bits. Sniffing, I decided that my life was already over so I might as well throw caution to the wind. I picked one of the yellow bits off of the spoon and chewed. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. The milk was better, even though I knew it would give me one hell of a case of gas later.

When I was home with Edward or Jasper, they sometimes talked to me, but not like Uncle Emmett. For the next two hours he regaled me with stories about his job, how his wife couldn't cook, his future kid and how he was going to train him/her up to play for the Bears, not to mention a rather lengthy rant on the Blackhawk's inability to win a fucking game. While all this talking was annoying as hell, it had an amazing side benefit. Between stories, he snacked. And when he snacked, he shared. By nine o'clock, I'd completed a culinary tour a la Uncle Emmett. He introduced me to Twinkies (yummy), donut holes (double yummy), coffee (not so yummy, although the French vanilla creamer wasn't bad), cold pizza (bliss), and frozen waffles (meh). At this point I was starting to feel a bit sick and really needed a nap. I think Uncle Emmett felt the same, because he picked me up, laid down on the couch, and then tucked me in to his side. "You know what Clete? I think you and I are gonna get along just fine." Then amazingly, he was quiet. Well aside from the snoring.

I jumped down from the couch and went exploring. This place was so different from my old house and I found myself missing my cat palace. This was the time of day when the sun would shine on the penthouse level, making it perfect for napping. I wondered if I'd ever see my palace again. I missed Edward and hoped he was torturing Jasper for information on my whereabouts. My movements grew sluggish as all of my blood headed south to my belly for digestive purposes. Maybe if I took a nap, when I woke up this would all be a nightmare. I headed back to the couch. Uncle Emmett was now sprawled on his back, one leg on the floor, the other draped over the arm on the opposite end of the sofa. Jumping up, I landed on his chest and decided this was as good a place as any for napping. Besides, I wanted to be available if Uncle Emmett decided to share more of his snacks.

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**A/N2: As always, your feedback is greatly appreciated. Until next time...**


	9. Baked

**A/N: This is me, avoiding work. Shh! Don't tell my boss. Just a quick little Cletus moment for all of you...**

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Chapter 9 - Baked

_**05/14/2010, 15:19 – CletPOV**_

Jasper Whitlock is the devil.

Sure, he looks innocent, with that stupid golden blond hair and those dreamy blue eyes, but don't let him fool you. Behind his angelic façade lies a cold, calculating heart.

When Edward rescued me from the clutches of loony Uncle Emmett, I was positive that I had won the war. It had been a close run thing – I think I was approximately two Twinkies away from exploding when Edward arrived. The sense of relief that I felt when he rushed into the room, swept me into his arms, and checked me over for damage was overwhelming. I snickered to myself when he directed menacing glares at Jasper and Uncle Emmett, then took me home. As I tucked myself into my human's arms that night and felt his fingers scratch behind my ears, I bestowed a triumphant grin upon my adversary and thought, _"That's right mother fucker. Thought you'd get away with it, but I guess not. Pretty sure it's going to be your ass sleeping in the hallway next."_

Unfortunately, I'd severely underestimated my opponent. Jasper was a master strategist and even I couldn't have foreseen the newest tactic he implemented immediately upon Edward's departure for work the next day.

To say I was surprised when he sought me out would be an understatement. As he entered the laundry room, I eyed him cautiously. What did this fucker want now? He had something in his hand and as he approached, he spoke softly. "Hey, Cletus. I know we've gotten off to a bad start, but I love Edward and he loves you, so we need to be friends," he said, reaching out to run those deliciously long fingers through my fur. Unable to resist, I flipped over onto my back so he could get to that spot on my belly that I couldn't seem to reach anymore. Fuckin' Twinkies.

"See, that's not so bad, is it?" he crooned. "And look, I even brought you back something from our vacation," he added, holding out a small plastic ball. Really? That's the best he could do? Cheap bastard.

"Aww, come on, Cletus. Just try it out. You'll love it," he cajoled, holding the ball close to my face.

What was this fucker's problem? It's a plastic ball, dumbass. If he thought I was going to leave the comfort of my castle for some cheap piece of shit he had another thing coming. He was going to have to work a hell of a lot harder than this for my forgiveness. Deciding to throw him a bone, I stretched my neck out a bit so I could sniff the toy.

Holy shit! What the bloody hell was this? Oh…..oh! Like a moth to a flame, I was drawn inexplicably to the ball. The most unbelievable smell was emanating from it. I had to have it. I swiped it from his hand and took off, heading to the living room. I heard him following behind me, but no longer cared; completely focused on the toy. When I reached the carpet in front of the coffee table, I set the toy down and inhaled deeply.

Jasper sat in the armchair and watched as I made a total fool of myself salivating and rolling all over the toy. But my behavior was uncontrollable, unavoidable. I had to have it. I _needed_ it. I could no longer live without whatever substance was housed in this toy. Moments later, lost in a pleasurable haze, I felt him lift me from the floor and place me in his lap; the toy now housed in his pocket.

"I knew you'd like it. That's the good stuff there. One hundred percent organically grown catnip. Nothin' but the best for my buddy," he said. I stretched out across his legs, enjoying the feel if his fingers in my fur and thought to myself that there was nothing better in life than this. If I died now, I'd die a happy cat.

"I think you and I are goin' to get along just fine, Cletus," he added with a wink.

Hell yes we were! I loved Jasper. Jasper was the best guy on the planet. I would do anything for him, anything at all. We would all live together in harmony; me, Jasper, Edward, and the catnip toy.

Lost in a fog of pleasure, I saw myself lying on a blanket in a meadow filled with wildflowers and butterflies. Jasper and Edward were there, singing me Beatles songs and feeding me extra cheese and sausage pizza. The sun was shining and a cool breeze blew through my fur, ruffling it gently. This was what heaven would be like, I was certain of it. Out of nowhere, I heard a jingling of bells and a man appeared with a cart filled with ice cream. Edward smiled and bought the entire cart, feeding me bite after bite of creamy goodness as Jasper stroked my fur.

Thirty minutes later, I awoke from my stupor to find myself flat on my back in Jasper's lap, drool running down my chin. What the fuck?

Chemical warfare.

Jasper had stepped up his game.

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A/N2: *snickers* - Catnip. Still legal in all 50 states. :)


	10. Hot, Hot, Hot

**A/N:** I couldn't resist. Every once in a while, I just have to write a Cletus outtake. Hope you enjoy it!

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Chapter 10 - Hot, Hot, Hot

_**07/12/2010, 02:30 – CPOV**_

I made my nightly rounds of the apartment, making sure everything was safe and secure. The boys went to bed hours earlier and I was left to my own devices once the golden hair bastard booted me out of the bedroom so he could mate with Edward. It was one of those rare evenings where they were both home at the same time. Since Jasper rejoined the force, he and Edward were both gone most nights. You'd think that when they were both home they'd make time for me, but no, they were all about the mating. After endless hours of listening to their caterwauling (fucking nymphomaniacs), I was happy when they finally wore each other out and silence descended upon my domain. Unfortunately, even though I'd occupied some of my free time with a bath, a session with my catnip ball, and a quick nap, I was now bored. With a sigh, I decided to walk over to the guest room and see if the saucy senorita from next door was awake. I hadn't heard anything from her in a while and wondered if she'd found someone to replace me.

As I passed Jasper and Edward's bedroom, I heard movement from within. Pointing my ears towards the room, I could make out the sounds of someone approaching the door. Quickly, I darted to the guest bathroom across the hall and held my breath, feeling my whiskers twitch in anticipation. This didn't happen often, but when it did... Let's just say that if what I thought was going to happen, happened, I would be a very, very happy Cletus.

A few seconds later, I heard the door creak open and watched as Jasper snuck out of the bedroom. Looking over his shoulder, he stopped for a moment, listened to make sure Edward was still asleep, and then quietly shut the door. Shuffling down the hall, clad only in a pair of pajama bottoms and some God awful bunny slippers, Jasper made his way to the kitchen. I followed a few paces behind, in total stealth mode, lest he figure out I was here. This operation would require perfect timing and I couldn't give away my position too soon.

I held myself back as Jasper entered the kitchen and headed to the pantry. There was a click as he flipped on the light and then some rustling noises as he foraged through the box of junk food he had hidden high on the back shelf. He mumbled something that I couldn't quite make out, so I slipped further into the kitchen and hid behind the island. Moments later, he appeared with a bag of what looked to be chips and a jar of something orange. From my hiding spot, I watched as he prepared a plate of chips and poured some of the orange sauce on top. His ugly slippers made scratching noises as he shuffled over to the black box above the stove, opened the door, and put the plate inside. After punching a couple of buttons, the black box began to whir and he walked over to the magic silver box of goodness. Now we were getting somewhere.

My muscles tensed and my tail began to swish across the floor. Fucking tail. I hated that thing – it had a mind of its own and if I didn't think that it gave me a certain _je ne sais quoi_, I swear I'd chop that fucking thing off. But I digress. After a couple of months of observing the enemy, I'd learned that Jasper has a weakness for junk food, just like Uncle Emmett. Unfortunately for him (and me), Edward only keeps healthy stuff like carrots, celery, and fresh fruit around for snacks. After the first couple of weeks, Uncle Emmett began to sneak in contraband for Jasper, which he in turn, promptly hid from Edward. Late at night, when he thought that no one was around, the sneaky bastard would raid his stash, and if I was lucky, he would share.

Hoping tonight was one of those nights where Jasper delved into the top drawer of the MSBG and brought out the ice cold, creamy deliciousness known as ice cream, I edged a bit closer. I'd snuck a bit of Uncle Emmett's ice cream last week, and although at one point I thought someone was jabbing an ice pick through my forehead, it was the best thing I'd ever had - even better than jelly donuts or those cream filled yellow cakes. Alas, it wasn't to be, and instead, he opened the lower door and pulled out a green bottle. The black box above the stove stopped whirring and a bell went off. We both stilled, held our breath and listened intently for Edward. After a minute passed, we both released a sigh of relief and Jasper pulled his plate out of the box. I sniffed the air and inhaled the amazing smells that permeated the room. My mouth began to water and I determinedly moved on to phase two of Operation Feed Cletus.

Jasper set the plate down on the island, twisted the cap off of the green bottle, and then pulled out a chair. Unable to resist the tantalizing smell any longer, I jumped onto the counter, maneuvered myself into Jasper's direct line of vision, and turned on the charm. After he was settled, he picked up a chip loaded with the orange stuff, and popped it into his mouth, humming softly as he chewed. Then, he grabbed the green bottle and took a swig of the bitter smelling liquid. I inched closer to the plate and just as I reached my paw forward, he cleared his throat and raised an eyebrow at me. Shit! Busted.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," he whispered, waiving his index finger from side to side in front of my nose. "That there is salsa con queso with extra jalapenos and I don't think your tummy would appreciate it, Clete."

Salsa con what? And what the hell was a jalapeno? If it tasted anything like it smelled, I was pretty damn sure my tummy would appreciate it very much. Deciding to up the ante, I tilted my head to the side and let out a plaintive whimper of a meow. Who could resist that?

Apparently, Jasper could. I watched in horror as the amount of chips began to dwindle. I kept up the pressure though, and I could tell I was getting to him when he began to sweat a little. He took another big swig from the green bottle, moaned a bit, and then winked at me. Yes! He was going to give in. Just as I started to move forward, we both froze in our tracks when we heard a creaking noise. Fuck! If Edward caught us, we'd be eating carrot sticks and bran for weeks. Jasper slid off the chair and tiptoed to the kitchen doorway. He poked his head around the corner and peered down the hallway.

Not one to miss an opportunity when it presented itself, I quickly got to lapping at the orange sauce on Jasper's abandoned plate. Mmmm, it was soooo good! Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jasper turn his head back towards me and watched as his eyes widened. Idiot. It was all mine now. That's what you get when you get distracted.

"Cletus! No. Leave it!" he hissed as he hurried over to island. I just ignored him and ate faster. After a couple of seconds, though, something strange began to occur. First, numbness began to settle in on my tongue. Then, the burning began. My tail began to spasm and my eyes began to water. Holy mother of God, what was this fuckery? I stuck my tongue out and began to pant as heat washed over my body. I was on fire! Water! I needed water! Weaving across the counter, I jumped to the floor and made a mad dash for my water bowl. With each step, the heat in my mouth built and the trip to the corner of the kitchen felt like miles. Finally, I made it and promptly drove my tongue into the cool water.

Ahh! Sweet relief. I heard a snicker and popped my head up to look over my shoulder. There sat Jasper, tears rolling down his face, as he laughed in the face of my misery. He raised the green bottle upwards as if saluting and said, "And that, dear Cletus, is why you shouldn't steal my food."

Asshole. I hissed, then turned back to my water bowl and drowned my sorrows. Once I doused this fire, I would find a nice quiet corner and contemplate my next step. That golden haired, long fingered, pot dealing, poison giving mother fucker was going down...


	11. The Night Before Christmas

Ok - so, yes, it's been a while. Ages. But I woke up with this little reminder of the joy that is Cletus in my head and had to get it out. Hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

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**_12/24/2015, 23:40 - CletPOV_**

Sigh… another night of roaming my territory in an effort to insure the safety and well-being of my family, and of course, the usual search for snacks. Lately, snacks had been hard to come by. After the Thanksgiving that shall never be mentioned, my humans locked down the grub with military skill and precision before heading off to the land of Nod for the evening. Tonight they were extra vigilant because we were having a massive feast tomorrow. Plus, Uncle Emmett, Rosalie, and their spawn – the evil, tail grabbing twins, were staying the night. Thankfully, everyone was out for the count so I could actually get my patrolling done.

Things have been different over the past year. We moved and I have a new best friend who has turned into a holy walking terror. Every time she sees me, she toddles over and grabs on to the fur. It's a wonder that I'm not bald yet. What I haven't figured out yet is why no one has bothered to show her where the human litter box is. I mean, really. My cousin's kids were shown how to use the litter box at 6 weeks. This kid has been around for fifteen months and is still shitting her pants.

I love her, though, regardless of the stench or high pitched wailing that sends me running for my palace. She makes the most amusing faces and turns my humans into mush. When they get emotional and weepy, I get away with murder. I once confiscated a whole chicken leg while they were wrapped up in the newest milestone Sofia achieved. The best part is the amount of food around this kid. She makes a total mess that I've decided I'm responsible for cleaning up. Now that we've moved beyond baby food, things are starting to get interesting (or should I say tasty).

The new house is the bomb. I have my own room and tons of toys that I share with Sofia. I earn brownie points from Edward every time I happen to leave one in Sofia's room. Brownie points = treats. It's a beautiful thing. The only problem is that my territory doubled in size and I get a little out of breath by the time I get to the end of my nightly patrol. Edward's tried to put me on diets, but I've figured out how to get around that. Last time, I hid a stash of cat food in my palace. If you take a few mouthfuls and hide them, you have a snack for later plus they refill your empty bowl. It's a win-win situation.

Three weeks ago, Edward and Jasper added a new item to our living room that I find fascinating and I know they put up just for me. Can you believe that they brought in my own climbing tree? Last year we had something that looked like a climbing tree, but smelled funny. This one smells all nice and piney and has loads of cat toys on every branch. Plus, there's a nice bowl of water at the bottom that I'm apparently not allowed to drink out of. Crazy people. What's the point of putting a bowl of water somewhere and then denying access? When the humans are awake they light it all up, like I can't already see that my climbing tree is there. I'm a pretty smart man, if I say so myself, so I'm still trying to figure out why they feel the need to make it shine like a disco ball.

Oh! We also have a massive fireplace! Jasper bought me a basket that sits right in front. It's amazing, and I've taken to resting in the nice toasty environment now that that white stuff is floating around outside. Someone – Edward I think – hung some socks on the shelf on top of the fireplace and one of them has my human's name for me stitched on it. Now, I've tried to tell them that my name is Raoul, but Cletus has stuck. Idiots.

Tonight, on the table next to the chair that sits near the fireplace, someone has left me a plate of cookies and a glass of milk. I'm not quite sure what I've done to earn this buffet, but I'm not one to complain about free food. Supposedly, they are for someone named Santa, but as I've never seen or heard of him, its fair game. In my haste to drink the milk, I knock over the glass. Freezing in place, I wait to see if Edward or Jasper will end my fun or if I've awakened Uncle Emmett's monsters. It stays silent, so I let out the breath I was holding and lap up all of the milk that spilled. The cookies are shaped like snowmen and smell spicy. I take a little nibble and decide that if this Santa person ever shows up, he can have the cookies.

Now that my belly is full and I've finished my patrol, I decide to take a quick bath then take a nap in my basket. The fireplace is dark, so no heat is emanating from it, but my basket is still cozy. After a few minutes I feel myself drifting off to sleep.

**_12/25/2015, 02:20 - CletPOV_**

I'm in the midst of an awesome dream about Snookie, the Persian princess next door when I hear a weird noise coming from the fireplace. I jump out of my basket and immediately investigate. At first, I'm not quite sure what I'm seeing. There's a big red furry bag at the bottom of the fireplace that wasn't there when I went to bed. Shaking my head to make sure I'm awake, I look again and the bag is still there. Moving closer, I look up into the chimney and see a foot with a boot dangling off the end. What the hell?! Putting two and two together, I immediately sound the alarm. Trust – when I get going it sounds like an air raid siren is going off.

Above my cries I hear the sounds of running feet as the rest of the family comes to see what I'm screaming about. Edward makes it first, clad only in boxers that I think have reindeer on them and holding a baseball bat. I'm standing guard in front of the fireplace hissing and growling with all of my might. If that guy thinks he's getting into our house tonight, he's out of his mind. Jasper skids to a halt next to Edward and they both look at each other and then the fireplace.

"What the hell?" Jasper mutters, looking at the red bag and the booted foot. Leaning into the fireplace he yanks on the guy's foot and I hear a high pitched yelp. Deciding that my humans have this, I head for higher ground and bolt into the climbing tree. It's not an easy feat, considering all of the lights and cat toys, but I'm not going to be around for whatever comes out of that fireplace. As I make my way up, I feel the tree start to sway, but I'm bound and determined. Unfortunately, I didn't account for the added weight of a full glass of milk and down we go. Timber!

Just as I'm about to reach the ground I take a flying leap and land on Edward's shoulders. Startled, he swings around and I'm thrown off balance. Using my claws, I dig into his back for traction and then jump to floor. "Cletus!" Edward yells, and then another squeal comes from the fireplace. Standing back, I watch the whole drama unfold.

Jasper yanks on the booted foot again and soot falls down to the fireplace floor. "Who are you and what do you want?" Jasper shouts. "I'm a police officer – you picked the wrong house, buddy."

"Ho, ho, ho," a breathy voice yells from the chimney, "It's Santa Claus."

"Yeah, right," Edward mutters next to me. "Emmett, you idiot!"

Jasper looks over his shoulder at Edward with his eyebrows raised and mouths, "Emmett?"

Just then Rosalie comes out to the living room and surveys the damage. "Where's my husband?" she asks.

Edward rolls his eyes and points to the foot hanging down into the fireplace.

Stalking over to the fireplace, Rosalie leans in and yells up, "Emmett! What the hell are you doing?"

"It's Santa, baby. And what do you think I'm doing? I'm trying to deliver presents, but I find myself a bit stuck," Emmett calls down.

"I should leave you there," Rosalie shouts back. "Get your ass down here."

"I would if I could, honey," Emmett responded.

Jasper leans back in the fireplace and looks up. "It looks like his belly is stuck."

"Now what?" Edward asked, "We can't leave him up there all night."

"Can you take the pillow out of your belly?" Jasper asks Emmett.

"I think I can reach it, let me try," Emmett responds as Jasper backs away from the fireplace.

We hear some shifting and more soot falls to the ground. Then, with a low rumbling sound, Uncle Emmett crashes to the floor of the fireplace. Shaking his head, he staggers out onto the cream colored carpet and yells, "Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!"

Looking around the room, I see the knocked over glass, the climbing tree on the floor, and the black sooty footprints Uncle Emmett's paws have made and decide it's time for a hasty exit. Just as I clear the doorway to the hallway, Edward turns, looks at the tree and yells, "Cletus!"


End file.
